“Gray divorce” is the en vogue term used to describe divorce in couples over 50, usually after a long-term marriage – a phenomenon that has become increasingly common.
When you’ve been married for decades, divorce can feel like a profound loss, and it can trigger a lot of anxiety about your future. It’s important to recognize that while the divorce process itself can be difficult, finding happiness and fulfillment in the years that follow really is possible. Here are the things you should keep in mind:
1. Recognize that a change was necessary
If you’re second-guessing your decision to divorce because you’re worried you won’t ever be happy again, remember this: You weren’t happy before. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. “Sticking it out” was guaranteed to leave you in an unhappy place, while divorce frees you to find the happiness you deserve.
2. Go ahead and grieve for what was lost
Even though your marriage was not healthy or happy, it’s okay to grieve the life you thought you would have with your spouse in your golden years. Sadness, confusion and anger are all natural. Consider journaling, joining a support group or just taking some time to heal before you move forward. Even just recognizing that your situation is no longer uncommon (since the divorce rate for those over 55 has doubled since 1990 – and tripled for those over 65).
3. Start to focus on the positive aspects of your divorce
As soon as you are able, shift your focus away from the things you’ve lost (like that built-in companionship and relative financial security) and look at the things you’ve gained, no matter how small. There’s a lot of joy to be had in the fact that you no longer have to worry about a spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior in public or fights over how you spend your money. You can go where you want, when you want, and you aren’t required to justify your decisions to anybody.
4. Look back on your past and rediscover yourself
The longer you were in an unhappy marriage, the higher the odds that you’ve suppressed the “real you” in order to get along with your spouse and minimize friction. Well, you no longer have to worry about adjusting your personality, time and needs around anybody else’s desires, so embrace your freedom. Take that road trip that you’ve always wanted to take, watch whatever you want on TV and take that art class. Think back to who you used to be before you marriage started to change you and embrace your favorite version of yourself, whether that means changing your hair, your style or your lifestyle.
Ultimately, divorce at any age can feel traumatic, but people who are divorcing in their later years may actually have an advantage over the younger folks. The odds are high that you’ve already managed to make it through numerous challenging periods in your life, and you know that you can – and will – come out the other side of this challenge, too.
As always, it’s important to remember that some logistical and financial issues have to be handled in a divorce, and legal guidance can help.